Guilting and Shaming Will Not Repair Your Relationship

Today I want to talk about our current political climate, and how it relates to our ability to connect with one another. Over the summer I attended a seminar about fostering multicultural topics within classroom settings. For some context, the presenter is a well-respected researcher who has several published academic articles about promoting social advocacy and justice. From a multicultural perspective, the lecturer would identify himself as a young, Caucasian, heterosexual male.

During the conversation, the presenter discussed how people develop and grow when they can freely talk about their individualized perspectives as well as hold space for others to share their own lived experiences. This teaching modality (known as transformative learning) is purposefully designed to help people integrate multiple viewpoints to form and refine their subjective worldview. I really appreciate this philosophy because it shows that everyone’s viewpoint is equally valid and should be respected. After the seminar was over, the presenter took questions from the crowd. And things quickly heated up.

The very first question an audience member asked the presenter was how his privileged identity interfered with his ability to connect to people from diverse backgrounds. The presenter respectfully responded by sharing how he regularly reflects upon how he can be there for students without appearing condescending or minimizing other people’s perspectives. I thought it was an appropriate answer that demonstrated his ability to practice what he was preaching. But the audience member kept pressing him, seemingly goading the presenter to admit he should not be lecturing on multicultural issues because he came from a position of privilege. It was disheartening to witness. This man who was actively promoting diversity and inclusivity was actively being chastised and belittled for his identity by someone he did not know right in front of a group of his peers.

Unproductive Conversations

I have no idea what the audience member was thinking. But I can tell you that the way he chose to go about asserting his viewpoint and vocalizing his grievances, in a room full of fellow counselors, was not a good look. And it got me thinking about how our nation increasingly finds itself engaging in tribalism, guilting, and shaming.

To be clear, this dynamic of making people feel bad for their viewpoints is happening everywhere. I cannot open any social media platform without seeing someone explain how they were offended about _______ for _______ reason. It is exhausting. It does not go anywhere. And yet people keep diverting back to this line of thinking. In my line of work, I have seen individuals ruin their relationships, destroy their marriages, and find themselves in financial ruin out of an incessant need to make those around them feel ashamed of their actions. And ultimately, they never receive the outcomes they want.

Systemic Societal Issues

I think most people get trapped into this mentality because they are exhausted and burnt out from larger systemic problems within society. Some of the smartest, most frugal people I know cannot establish financial security because of debilitating student debt and the increasingly unreasonable costs of living. Every four years minorities are constantly on edge, terrified that their basic human rights are about to be stripped away. We can’t keep doing this. People need to feel secure enough to know when they go home at the end of the day their marriage will still be intact and food will be on the table. But this approach requires for all of us to band together and reassure one another that these fundamental needs will be protected by everyone.

In counseling, this therapeutic treatment approach requires for both the therapist and client to agree that their relationship will stay intact even when there are bumps on the road. There may be disagreements between the client and therapist, but rupture and repair are inevitable and necessary parts of the therapeutic process. The client needs to know that they can freely share their perspective without being belittled or chastised. The therapist in turn requires for the client to consistently show up to treatment, even when it is inconvenient, because the safety and stability of the therapeutic relationship fosters personal and career growth for both individuals.

Revising the Narrative

I want to end this blog post by revisiting that seminar I attended last summer. The audience member asked those inquiries because he wanted the presenter to vocalize he was cognizant of multiple viewpoints different from his own lived experiences. He needed the reassurance. But the answer was right in front of him the whole time. The entire presentation was about respecting other people’s voices. Guilting and shaming the presenter didn’t add anything new that wasn’t already said. A better line of questioning would have been, “What can we do to help encourage everyone to take a seat at the table? How can we help everyone feel included, seen, and heard? How do we collectively decide how to move forward?”

I want that for all of us. But we cannot get there until we collectively set some ground rules. We all need to agree on boundaries that cannot be crossed. We have to help ensure that everyone has their basic needs met, and that they won’t be abandoned at the first sign of conflict. I have faith in us. I truly believe that people are inherently decent, fair, and just. I see the good in people every day. But sometimes we lose our way and need a helping hand to get us back on track.

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